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Are you Etta?

This quiz is designed to help you recognize the problems you might be facing right now financially. It’s designed also to help you realize that you’re not alone. I can help guide you along the path that is most right for YOU.

Feel free to leave a reply at the bottom to let me know what you think 🙂

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Worthhealing

In a culture defined by what we have and what we do rather than who we are, many of us have struggled with the notion that we are worthy based on experiences which began in childhood. What makes us worthy? Being smart? Having a good job?

Achieving by social, academic or parental standards is often perceived as success. Why do so many achievers still struggle with their own self-worth? Why do those people who have hit every standard of success externally suffer in the prison of their own sense of worth? In a country as affluent as the United States problems with self-worth are epidemic, yet self-worth is not much of a problem in impoverished countries where no one has much in the way of material worth.

As we all struggle with our self-worth from time to time, I believe it is important to remind ourselves that we are all worthhealing. Experience is the best teacher, except when the experiences are invalidating, negative or viewed as failures. Children depend on others to help them gain a sense of self-worth, but no set of adults can assure that they will be able to make children feel worthy.

What can we do to improve things for all people?  If we realize that we are all worthy of healing then we do not have to stay stuck in the mud of unworthiness. It only took me 60 years to feel worthy, clearly I was not in the accelerated class on this issue. Self – love need not be sacrificial or based on external measurement. It is the interior work we do that gives us the ability to see we are worthy. Having a belief system to serve as a frame of reference is critical. Everyone’s belief system is highly personal, be it science, quantum physics, religion or simply the belief that there is “something” we don’t know. Not knowing can be a belief system. As Bob Dylan would say “you gotta serve somebody.” The good news is you get to define what that is for you.

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions” is an often used phrase to explain how one has made an error in judgment. Worth is determined by intention, not necessarily the flawed thinking behind that intention. I heard this phrase often as a kid and it did not seem quite fair. Honestly, I am pretty sure my stated intention may have been no more than a defense for my behavior. Authentic intention is in our self-talk, our dreams and our desires. My intention, simply stated is to be a plus in this world not a minus. I want to be of service, helpful, responsible, kind and loving, but I often have behaviors that place me in that minus category. How many pluses does it take to be worthy? I say only one…the desire to be kind and loving.

What about the times I intentionally hurt someone with hostile judgments or actions? We must all keep our own tally sheet. The possibilities for redemption I begrudgingly admit are endless. I don’t want a guy that abuses animals or people to be able to feel good about himself, but that would deny the power of redemption. I want to be forgiven, so I must forgive even the worst of mankind. I don’t believe children are born and in the nursery, you can spot the serial killer, the dogfighter, the rapist, or the next Saint. We are all a mixture of genetics and experience and how we end up as adults is less predictable than who will survive cancer. I cannot set the bar for anyone else, but I can look in my heart and determine what my intentions are or were. If I ask the question, I am mindful and I am worthy.

Charlotte Mabry, Ed.D.,CeFT, is the Founder of Delphi Wealth Management, a small RIA with a therapeutic approach to understanding our feelings and behavior about money https://delphimgmt.com/.  This is a new firm as of 2021.   You can reach her at charlotte@delphimgmt.com or (615)210-5803 cell. 

Charlotte is a graduate of the School of Healing Arts, has studied Gestalt Therapy with Irv and Miriam Polster and wrote her dissertation on Locus of Control. 

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A walk with little Charlotte

Come on Charlotte, let’s go for a walk and I will listen: 

What was happening in that hospital where Frank and I sat for hours? He would not talk to me, you would not talk to me. Your eyes were red, your hands shook, you drove us home in silence. Where was Daddy, why didn’t he come with us? I know he was behind those big double doors, but why? Why can’t I see him, I promise I will be good?  

How come we bought special bread at Waite’s? How come when Daddy came home you told me I could not run out to his car and have him pick me up? Why were you mad at me all the time? Why did I have to be quiet? Why did you start going to school? Why did you decide not to go to St. Luke’s anymore and become a Catholic? 

You were afraid, terrified, overwhelmed; you had no support, no rights, only FEAR, only devastation and you had shame and blame and secret burdens to bear. I could have understood more and been more helpful, I could have not been in fear, but most important your worry might have been lessened a bit. Childhood is anything but carefree in the minds of children, but it is their go-to place for escape. 

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Nascar

Country music fills the air at the car wash. Jones Car wash is a family affair. Dale Earnhardt in life size card board stands in the corner near the tire display. This is NASCAR country and as anyone would tell you, “Dale, Sr. was NASCAR.” In my youth, I wanted to be a race car driver which was an unusual ambition for a girl. I wanted to race at Watkins Glen. I practiced on every curvy road I could find in my Red MG Midget. 

 My heroes were Mario Andretti and Jackie Stewart, but I lived in Birmingham and Bobby and Donnie Allison were the heroes at BIR (Birmingham International Raceway). In college, I could hear the hum of BIR from my student apartment porch. Race car driving was not quite the business it is now and Talladega was a country town where I went to teach Deaf children. Round and Round on the track, what were the fans waiting for? A crash? I did not see the strategy, but as I have come to live in NASCAR country, I know that there is a strategy for the drivers and the team. NASCAR is a community and being a fan is an extension of that community. 

 Mr. Jones is not behind the register these days, but the man who is knows his NASCAR. Tennessee has been home to Dale, Darryl, Jeff and many others, which explains why many of my neighbors have a front license plate with a number. Sometimes a 3, sometimes an 8, it is a tribal identification, just another way of belonging. 

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Dog Love

There’s no love like dog love. Dogs love in the moment, unconditionally, and with great joy. I have had many dogs in my life or rather they have had me. Purchased dogs, chosen dogs and dogs who chose me have all been members of my pack. We have been to obedience school, dog park, tracking, agility class, the beach, long walks and rides in the car. As a young child I felt connected to animals, primarily dogs, cats and horses; I was attracted to their unconditional love. 

dog love photos
Jackson

I communicate with my animals and they communicate with me, not necessarily with words as they are too smart for that. Dogs do not need words for the important communication. Recently I was reading an article that reminded me that if you want your dog to not bark, then you must first teach him to bark when you ask, so you can then ask him to be quiet when it is necessary. How is that not the same as humans, we spend hours getting babies to make sounds to later tell them to be quiet? Everyday is a great day with a dog.  

dog love photo Kate
Kate the Great
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Failure and disappointment are where we learn if we allow ourselves

Rarely do we learn from our successes, hopefully we at least enjoy them. From loss, disappointment and pain we find ourselves and our strength. 

When all seems lost, then we ask the hard questions. When money is plentiful most people just cruise along. When something happens and suddenly there is much less or much more money, we suddenly began to think about our financial lives. When someone close to us dies, we think about our estate plan (or lack thereof). 

About 80% of the time an attorney will draft the proper documents for a client’s estate, but the client will not “get around” to making the little changes necessary to insure that are called for in the attorney’s document. An example of this is often found in the example of the Family Trust. As soon as the person dies, inevitably one finds that their IRAs and pension plans leave individual names as beneficiaries rather than the family trust resulting in more paperwork for the attorney and more cost for the estate. 

I think it might be helpful if clients leave their attorney’s office with an action plan and a deadline. Many people do not realize that changing the beneficiary on an IRA is as simple as asking for and filling out a form same with an annuity. Not following through creates more problems and expenses for those who are left behind. 

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Why is the bacon in the yard?

Today I got an email from my organic food coop farmer telling me she found artisan bacon in her yard and curiously some very fine cheese wrappers. Now my friend’s well-mannered lab knows nothing about such activity and is incredulous at anyone who would look in his direction. It must have been some country dog who woofed up Condor’s Rim like it was Velveeta. My farmer was horrified and blamed herself. We have been exchanging food on her porch for years, so I cannot hold her responsible. Sometimes we all just need something made with love and great care, but I encourage all to not litter.  I would think the bacon would have been in someone’s belly rather than in the yard, but even the most adept dogs have their limitations when it comes to packaging. I just hope that the cheese monger knows that her product has passed the dog test and that a hungry critter enjoyed some fine cheese. I enjoyed a good laugh! How often do I get an email that starts with, “I found your bacon in the yard”? This is a first, but since I live with four dogs I did have to quiz my husband about leaving his socks in the driveway! 

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Congealed Energy

“Money is congealed energy until it is released into the universe, the act of which is a meditation in itself…” 

Joseph Campbell, author of the Power of Myth and great 20th century philospher writer has encouraged all to examine allegorical characters. Money like love, is best if it touches as many people as possible. Don’t hoard your love, don’t hoard your money. Spending, giving, or investing money spreads it around.  

We cannot exist in isolation without becoming stunted and losing our humanity. Solitary confinement is the cruelest punishment, because it denies the prisoner any humanity. Even introverts need community or they become bitter and rigid, they lose their humanity. Loneliness is the silent killer and fuels for many the dysfunction of overspending.  

Can’t sleep? That’s why you have a giant waist belt that will magically make you thin or a food dehydrator when you have never even considered spending time in the wilderness. There are whole channels devoted exclusively to helping people spend their money. “Hey Joyce from Dayton, did your daughter LOVE that handbag in Black? Today, we have one just for YOU in Red at 50% off!!!!!” Joyce is on the phone and she gets to say her daughter loved the bag or that she Joyce decided to keep it for herself so now she HAS to buy one for her daughter! Whatever has happened to Joyce she HAS to get the Red bag to get Velma the salesperson on the Shop TV show to chat with her. This example is not exactly what Joseph Campbell was talking about. 

Releasing Money into the universe is not the same as being pressured to buy to be part of the club or to be acknowledged by a face on TV. Buy enough stuff and you may get to be on TV again on a show dealing with hoarding. All the “stuff” represents moments of perceived joy with no purpose or long term payoff, except the need to buy more stuff to organize. 

Releasing money is really more about sharing as we help the world. There are ads to assist you in “feeling good” about helping the world by sending money to sad eyed children and starving sick animals. Unfortunately, some of the best marketers of their cause, actually have a smaller % of dollars going to the identified cause.  

And last but not least is TV God, you can be part of the love and light that keeps Tammy Faye in mascara as God would surely want you to do. If you send in $10.00 you will get a 10 cent prayer cloth ($3.95 shipping and handling) and you keep praying really hard, you will get that washing machine. You will still have to pay for the aforementioned washing machine, but the good Lord will send you to someone that will let you buy on time for 22% interest. Why do people fall for this? 

People often spend money to “feel better”, forget their troubles or to feel included by the projection of their lifestyle. Few people ever consider that that that compulsion to “feel something good” is just like the “hole n Daddy’s arm where all the money goes.” (John Prine) You just can’t buy connection, or love or feeling good except for a nano second. Much like heroin, shopping is often an addiction which is a distraction from feeling bad or a very short and false experience of joy. 

Read the [FREE] book that inspired this idea here.

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Cultural Architects

Who are the architects of our culture? Politicians? Church leaders? Teachers? Teenagers? Parents? 

What do I mean by culture? The tribe, the groups that help us achieve belonging.  

How many tribes can I belong to? Where and what are my cultures? Let’s see, Female, mature, compassionate, fierce, opinionated and curious. Who is or was my architect? The architect of my culture varies from life stage to life stage. My Family of origin (FOO) was the architect and general contractor of my childhood. Powerful imprinting occurs here for all of us.  

As hormones shift most of us diverge from the FOO to the FOP (Family of Peers). Peer culture is powerful and can shape a person’s sense of self-worth for years and also become a very destructive influence. Just ask a room full of 40 year olds to raise their hands if they are A students, B students et cetera. Most of the people raising their hands have not been in a classroom for close to 20 years or more. They still feel they belong to the A group even if they are living marginal lives. They still see themselves as A’s. There are many highly successful people who achieved little in school and may have dropped out and they still get a twinge from raising their hand for the C group. Who do young people usually first drink or take drugs with in a group? Parents can really not know what goes on with their children’s peers. The kids who play on teams, dress the way their parents want and attend church may also be experimenting with drugs and alcohol. It only takes the need for belonging to override what Mama and Daddy said once and then it begins. 

We are obviously not our grades, our jobs, our club memberships, our health problems. We as adults are the Cultural architects for ourselves and we can find many tribes where we belong based on mutual interests and experiences. No one other than ourselves can define our culture. 

So before we pigeon hole ourselves or others let’s look at who the Cultural Architect of the moment is and try to use some self-compassion. Who is your Cultural Architect right now? Of what tribes are you a member? 

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Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you had taken another path?

Many people have also wondered about their choices in career, relationships and whether to procreate or not. I spent way too much of my early decades worry about what I was going to do. What degree or training did I need now and would serve me best. I have been guilty of spending too much time as a human doing, instead of a human being.  

Who am I? In my mind and my history, I am many things that you would never know to look at me. I’m a ballet dancer, a painter, a sculptor, a dog trainer, a dispenser of hope to people in situations that seem insurmountable. I love ancient history, reading and a little trash TV on the side, horseback riding and running. 

I like to have fun, despite the old adage “money is not funny.” Actually, money can be funny, joyful, sad, and elusive. So many of us eat up hours every week “worrying”. We worry about Covid, we worry about out financial viability and our ability to survive when and if the underpinnings of our lives are suddenly kicked out from under us. 

People worry about money more than almost any other topic. 

As a culture we believe that having more money will make us happier, even though research has shown us that past a certain level of income money does not make life happier.  

Money does not replace family. My father died when I was 19 and I would take a vow of poverty today to have one more ride in the car with him. My brother died last summer and what would a few more hours with him would mean to me is priceless. I constantly wish I had access to my mother who was a writer and could continue to stress the efficiency of language to me.

All of this family was there one minute and gone the next. None of these people retired, because they all loved what they did and if they didn’t, they changed it.

You simply have to make time for the people in your life.

My father went to work and never came home, my brother dropped dead before he could close the door to his car and my mother dropped dead mid-sentence in the car with me. No one has to explain to me that life can change in an instant. 

I have a small family and the trajectory seems to be that we are getting smaller. I have helped a number of people battle evil cancer and some of them have won. A few have lost their battle and at least two of these dear friends used the hospice residence in Nashville as their launching pad. I have been with the dying often enough to assure that no one gives a damn about what you did and how much money you accumulated at the Hospice Residence. 

People with inherited money sometimes feel ashamed that they did not “make” the money they inherited. This “feeling” weighs on people and steals their happiness. These people are not poor, not even close, but they cannot allow themselves to enjoy themselves. 

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