How to // Self Help

I Am Worthy and so are You

I am more than you think I am

I may look like just another 71 year-old chubbette to some of you as body parts drop and gray invades my hair. 

I assure you that inside I am a jock, a ballet dancer, a comedian, a mistress of the universe, your dream friend, and your worst nightmare. 

I am woman. 

Hear me roar, whine and whimper.

I am loyal as a junkyard dog and can hold your secrets in the vault of my mind.

I am a yogi, an adventurer, and a spy as I sit in the coffee shop watching the goings on of younger generations. 

I have worn short dresses, high heels, flung my hair about and done the dance of flirtation. 

I am not anybody’s mother or grandmother, yet I am an aunt, a great aunt, and a fairy godmother to a number of people. 

You are worthy

What you cannot see from the outside is what is on the inside of this woman. I am a wounded child, a bitch, an impudent teenager, a lover, a fighter, a friend, and a soul mate. 

What you can’t see from the outside is that I am blessed, and I know it. 

I have cheated death more than once, I have adapted, and I have great friends and a husband who should be looked at for sainthood. 

What you can’t see from the outside is that I am worthy of all these blessings, and I finally know it. 

I hope you know that you too are worthy, not entitled but worthy. 

I hope my fellow coffee housemates that you will not suffer through decades not knowing that you are worthy.

If you are hurting, know that you are worthhealing and it is never too late to have a dream, make a life, and increase your skills or jump out of an airplane!

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frustrations and fears featured image
How to // Self Help

Learn to let it go, for the better.

Learn to manage frustrations 

Why do we get angry?  I have two main catalysts for anger: frustration and fear. The two big f-words can lead to another f-word. I have generally given up getting angry at other drivers or politicians. 

 

Many of my frustrations come from the wonderful world of technology. I have used some form of a computer for over 30 years, yet I am not tech savvy. Not finding that perfect thing I wrote or that article someone sent me is frustrating. Is there an electronic version of the old fashioned file clerk who can put things in an order that works with my mind? I have resisted change but here I am on Windows 8. Why don’t I have a Mac? Well, most of the programs I have are using Windows operating systems and I just don’t want to try and live in two worlds. I recently bought this cool little tablet that will twist all around, but it uses Windows 8 and has a touch screen and how to turn it on is on page 42 of the 168-page manual…. enter frustration. 

 

After a nice tutorial with one of my favorite tech pros, who does not chide me for not using an I- something, I am better. I have three computers all set up somewhat differently and lots of clouds. 

 

The good news is everything on any of them is backed up on a cloud and that gives me some comfort. How many clouds do I have out there? Do I in fact have a Cloud 9 in cyberspace? 

 

Being mindful that I am synced daily and all my stuff is sitting on clouds is comforting, so I can let that frustration go. But what of other frustrations? Like Russell who will not come in from exploring unless I call “dinner”. Who has a dog that will not come to his name, but will come to “dinner”? Or not being able to open a jar or run like the wind anymore? What about those things? 

 

I have decided to take a deep breath and just let it go. Russell can think his name is dinner, I can buy stuff in cartons and I can ask for help. Learning to ask for help has become a critical part of eliminating my frustration. I embrace my need for help and am even willing to pay for it. 

 

Just let it go…

 

Fear will hinder you

Fear, on the other hand is a somewhat harder beast to tame. What if I am having a brush with death in traffic? What if Dinner (aka Russell) throws up or wheezes or gets out of the yard and trots out to get hit by a car? My fears all stem from the concept of loss and usually death. My own, my family’s, my friends’, and my animals’. I know it is inevitable, but the voice in my head says no, not now, I am not ready. 

 

I was angry for at least a decade after my father went to work one day and never returned home, because he had a stroke and died. Did my anger help? Not really, anger just delayed the inevitable grieving and denied me any comfort. Anger is a way I have protected myself from being vulnerable. Guess what? Anger does not work. Anger does not protect me from my vulnerability, it just buries me under a rock pile.

 

Anger is a substitute for feeling loss. 

 

 A few months ago, I decided I needed to crawl out from under that rock pile yet another time. Oh, I have had lots of rock piles in my past. I am a hard driving, pain ignoring, superwoman who cries at old Lassie episodes, despite the fact that I know they will not kill off Lassie. I never feel good about my angry vicious words slung at another person, in fact, I feel bad and guilty (anger turned inward). 

 

So how can I just let it go? Again, breathe and just let it go. I cannot control the world, it is not for lack of trying, but it is pretty much a full time job trying to keep myself balanced and do the work that I love. So once again, 

 

just let it go…

 

How do I let it go?

I am learning to surrender these things to something greater than myself. I call this HP, but the Universe, God, fate or WTF will work. Surrender just means I accept that I cannot work on anything but my own actions. I have found several things that help me just let it go…

 

  • Breathe
  • Move
  • Feel it and leave it
  • Drive down the interstate throwing marshmallows out the window while screaming! Watch them bounce in the rear view window and let it go!
  • Pet an animal
  • Do a good deed for someone else, especially helpful if they do not know that you have done it
  • Smile
  • Give yourself 5 toxic minutes a day…choose carefully, because you do not want to be out of minutes when the shit hits the fan at 11:55PM!
  • Take a picture of yourself with your mad face on? Look at it! Would you want to talk to you?  
  • Eliminate the word “should” from your vocabulary

 

You get the idea, now you can make up your own ways to 

 

just let it go…

 

(and let me know what you come up with)

 

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How to // Self Help

Money is powerful, feeling overwhelmed?

Why is money so powerful?

 

Demographers tell us that the number one thing people worry about, fight about and trace their unhappiness to; is money. Why is a simple currency so powerful? 

 

It is not the money itself, but the meaning of money to us that makes us all crazy. 

In a nation of wealth, many suffer from a lack of enough money to feed, clothe and care for their children. So many choices are eliminated without money, yet six months after winning the lottery people are no happier than the group of people who were injured and placed in a wheelchair in the same time frame. What? How could that be possible? For thirty years I have worked with people and their investments and I can assure you that having 10 million dollars does not eliminate some of the worst things life has to offer up. Addiction, cancer, loss of a child, a spouse or a sibling, car crashes, murder, theft, depression, stroke, falls, heart attacks, job loss, carjacking, rape, and relentless physical and or emotional suffering  have all been a part of my clients’ lives. Having money does not make any of these tragedies feel better. 

 

There are people who live in fear over money issues, ignore problems with their spending compulsions, and suffer a lack of self-worth because they did not make their money. People lose themselves and their families in the process of striving to make money, to provide for the very security they think money will provide. Over and over people use the same techniques to cope with life’s difficulties. When your child is addicted to heroin, it really does not matter that they are from a rich family, their personal bottom will not be more easily hit. Rehab, they can afford rehab. Indeed, they can, but you can send them to rehab all you want, but until they are ready to crawl out of the ditch of addiction and fight for their own life their parents are as helpless as those with no means. Having worked in psychiatric hospitals, day treatment centers, juvenile detention centers and jails, I can say that the problems I observed there are the same ones I observed in brokerage firms.

 

How can we realign our feelings and our behavior

and put money in its proper place?

 

 

Can we knock money out of the top 5 list of things we fight about and worry over? I believe we can by examining the emotions behind our feelings about money and our subsequent behaviors. After the market crash of 2008 and the overall economic fallout, I was reminded of how paralyzed and how impulsively people respond to money. I judge this by the number of “talk them off the ledge” conversations I had, with people that were not even my clients. It is a painful thing to watch billions of capital evaporate in days or even hours and it tends to make people feel the world is ending. My great-grandfather jumped off a building in the early part of the 20th century in the great bank panic. Evidently, he had reached a level of either not caring or thinking his demise would be helpful to his wife and 11 year old son. Naturally, this came under the heading of things we did not talk about in my family. Did the loss of the status of his job seem insurmountable? I would have loved to ask my grandfather more about this, but he died when I was 8.

 

I have embarked on a mission to help people find out what their “money scripts” are and to help them understand what they are doing, so we can get money off the top 5 list. I have been inspired by a number of people and my workbook has been Mind Over Money by Drs. Brad and Ted Klontz. Understanding oneself if a powerfully empowering tool and can help anyone worry less, behave more appropriately for their circumstances. I am acutely aware of financial mistakes, as I have made my fair share. I have had the privilege of observing the mistakes of companies, Foundations, families, individuals and financial advisors who manage billions of dollars. Getting to the “heart of the matter” (thank you Don Henley) involves a process that forces us to interact with ourselves and others in ways that can be uncomfortable, but it can be done. 

 

So come on along, there will be more about this because you are worthhealing.

 

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How an unprecedented natural disaster affects families
How to // Self Help, Local economy

How an unprecedented natural disaster affects families

The Financial Transition Effects of a disaster on a family

 

You can see the hurricane coming from wherever you are …it rises from somewhere offshore. In the distance, as the fog clears, giant waves appear. These waves are unstoppable, and survival becomes a serious question. 

 

Death of a family member who has suffered a long and often tortuous existence goes to hospice and people wait with dread for the inevitable. When the final moments come it is often met with silence before the final moment or frenzied activity. Children are actually now the adults and hopefully there is not much happening other than a gathering of farewell for the decedent.

 

Later, the dynamic of everything changes. Families can and do go over what remains, and venom can appear over an otherwise worthless object. “I wanted the turkey platter,” “But, momma wanted me to have it,” says another relative. Sometimes the object is jewelry, but it can be the turkey platter, a child’s rocking chair or the family pictures. It is amazing that pictures carry so much weight especially as they are the easiest item to duplicate.

 

Grief has many stages, and those stages often overlap or blend together. Sometimes a grieving individual can erupt with anger while a sibling cries in the same room. Life is messy and the end-of-life does not immediately clean up the residual mess left by the departed. 

 

How To Prepare for a Potential Financial Transition

 

With good planning and a little time, most of these things can be worked out easily. When you look for someone to help you with your finances, be sure they can and will help you find an estate attorney. Make a list of items you want to go to specific heirs and any cash gifts you would like to make. 

 

Don’t try to do everything at once. I encourage all of my clients to examine who gets the Martin guitar, who gets the keyboard, the ASCAP awards, the catalogue, the house, the farm and of course the animals. Plan for the end of life and live life with joy. Don’t get flattened by the hurricane, act before you have to. 

 

Death and taxes are probably the only certainties and there is a plan for those things.

 

If you have questions, don’t hesitate to reach out. 

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Creating a healthy money attitude in your children
How to // Self Help

Creating a healthy money attitude in your children

How I learned a healthy money attitude

Ancient scripture often refers to money this way: “1/3 for use by the earner or family, 1/3 for savings and 1/3 to help others.”

Every year at Easter we would fill up these little cardboard replicas of a church with our Lenten offering. I would ask my parents if there were extra chores I could do to make extra money. These “mite” boxes were an opportunity for me to give to the needy and I was proud that I had earned this money for those less fortunate. I also learned what a mite was, because that was not clear when I asked my mom who Mike was.

I had a unique job opportunity at age 11. A neighbor had a gift shop and he said he could use extra help with wrapping. I asked him if he would hire me and if I could ride to work with him.

I worked in the back with an elderly lady who had worked with him for years. I remember that she said, “it doesn’t matter if the present is a little bit of nothing, it deserves a beautiful wrapping.” Every little box had cotton in it, was wrapped first in tissue paper, then the Christmas paper and a nice bow. We put tissue in the bags so the present would not get knocked around. School is not a job, ballet is not a job, horseback riding was not a job, but this was a real job

Healthy Money tip #1: Money is best talked about in terms of earning it initially!

A few small chores = an allowance. Very young children can set the table for dinner, clear the dishes and if it is takeout throw out the trash, feed pets, and help with family projects.

It is never too early to open a bank account with saved allowances or birthday money.

Healthy Money tip #2: Fighting about money is scary and confusing to children.

Ask yourself if you want your children to learn that talking about money leads to fighting about money.

I was pretty young  (9) when I figured out that I could earn and save money to have things or experiences I wanted.

Healthy Money tip #3: Paying people for work they have done for you promptly shows respect and concern for others.

If your child has an allowance, Do not “forget” to pay them or make excuses. Thank them for their good work and pay them on time.

Summary 

If you want a child who likes to work, show them how you work. Families with restaurants may have a child at the register and I think how great that is for everybody. Work in a good situation gives pride and confidence to a child and may include them in the most important endeavor of the family.

A crappy job helps a kid gain direction towards something they like better.

Life can be a rollercoaster, so work helps teach adaptation to what is needed.

Nothing is more important than the health and safety of everyone in the family.


 

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How to // Self Help, Uncategorized

Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you had taken another path?

Many people have also wondered about their choices in career, relationships and whether to procreate or not. I spent way too much of my early decades worry about what I was going to do. What degree or training did I need now and would serve me best. I have been guilty of spending too much time as a human doing, instead of a human being.  

Who am I? In my mind and my history, I am many things that you would never know to look at me. I’m a ballet dancer, a painter, a sculptor, a dog trainer, a dispenser of hope to people in situations that seem insurmountable. I love ancient history, reading and a little trash TV on the side, horseback riding and running. 

I like to have fun, despite the old adage “money is not funny.” Actually, money can be funny, joyful, sad, and elusive. So many of us eat up hours every week “worrying”. We worry about Covid, we worry about out financial viability and our ability to survive when and if the underpinnings of our lives are suddenly kicked out from under us. 

People worry about money more than almost any other topic. 

As a culture we believe that having more money will make us happier, even though research has shown us that past a certain level of income money does not make life happier.  

Money does not replace family. My father died when I was 19 and I would take a vow of poverty today to have one more ride in the car with him. My brother died last summer and what would a few more hours with him would mean to me is priceless. I constantly wish I had access to my mother who was a writer and could continue to stress the efficiency of language to me.

All of this family was there one minute and gone the next. None of these people retired, because they all loved what they did and if they didn’t, they changed it.

You simply have to make time for the people in your life.

My father went to work and never came home, my brother dropped dead before he could close the door to his car and my mother dropped dead mid-sentence in the car with me. No one has to explain to me that life can change in an instant. 

I have a small family and the trajectory seems to be that we are getting smaller. I have helped a number of people battle evil cancer and some of them have won. A few have lost their battle and at least two of these dear friends used the hospice residence in Nashville as their launching pad. I have been with the dying often enough to assure that no one gives a damn about what you did and how much money you accumulated at the Hospice Residence. 

People with inherited money sometimes feel ashamed that they did not “make” the money they inherited. This “feeling” weighs on people and steals their happiness. These people are not poor, not even close, but they cannot allow themselves to enjoy themselves. 

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